I captured this landscape picture while sitting on my deck in Colorado. The ever present changing colors of sunrise. 

“Everything changes. Learn how to Flow.” ~Gelong Thubten

I use Google Gmail as my email provider. Google changed the Gmail formatting and I do not like it. And for any of you that use it you know we were previously given an option to use classic view and now that option is no longer available.

At times I wonder if its better to have something change without my consent? I reflect on this? When this type of change happens I haven’t put any time or effort into the changes that were being implemented. I am just left with the outcome that the change created. I can resist it. I can react to it. I can like it. I can dislike it. But I didn’t have anything to do with the actual creation of that change. So I am left with all that rises inside of me because I do not have a say in the change. Like someone suddenly dying. I am left with a lot of reflections around my relationship with that person and a big change happens. Or someone deciding to go away even when they assure you they want to remain in connection. I use this last example because it is happening right now in my life. I have a woman friend, a confidant, a friend of almost 2 decades who has made a decision based on her own choosing to disconnect without regard to my input, thoughts, feelings or desires.

So what are we left with? Change and Choices!

I find that change can be challenging enough when I personally decide on something. And when change is not something that I am orchestrating myself ~ like the google Gmail change ~ then I might experience more resistance to it. I noticed I felt annoyed by the fact that I do not have a choice (or so it might seem but there are always choices to be made)  in this scenario. I also notice that I am judging myself for having such a feeling response to something that seems so innocuous. Oh how silly I say! What is the big deal?  I think to my self ~  You’ll adjust!  Yes, all of this is true and I still don’t like that I am not being given any options. It is done! I can go further and say “you can’t really be comparing this google thing to the way you feel around your friend’s choice or even the political climate right now in the USA?”  They cannot be compared!  However,  this is not about comparison ~ It is about feelings! My choice in all of these scenarios is to feel my way through them and allow for the fullness and richness of what each experience is showing me, My feeling sense allows me to be informed and shows me where I am connected and where I am disconnected from my body and my sense of what I need. 

When my friend said that she can no longer be in a friendship with me I became curious. I have a lot of questions that I want to speak about so that I can have an understanding of her choice and find some closure in my relationship with her. I wanted to be in a collaborative experience so I can comprehend her conclusion to a relationship. I think the words that are now used are “conscious uncoupling.”  She has chosen to not share any of this with me. That is her prerogative. Choosing my feelings around this or google Gmail or the Kavanaugh nomination or the dismissal of Dr Ford are all up to me on how I want to feel.  For me it’s pretty much the same feeling response. I don’t like it and am not satisfied because I have been left out of the equation. So I have choices. I can resist and push up against what is or I can delve deeper into how I am feeling around outside choices being made that affect my life.

We are pretty much doing this all day long.  However, a lot of choices we make are habitual as opposed to connected choices.

We can drop into a place of victimization, or righteousness, or judgement or martyrdom, or grandiosity or diminishment. Its up to each of us to watch what CHOICES we are making when things just don’t feel that good to us. It is an individual experience and we each have the opportunity to decide for ourselves what’s the better feeling place for our own lives.

We are being culturally tossed and turned and tumbled right now on the global scale. Don’t think for a minute that this isn’t impacting each of us in our own ways and in our daily lives. What is happening globally is affecting our individuation, our thinking, our beliefs, our actions, our sense of security, safety, dignity and sense of right and wrong.

Be conscious of the choices you are making. Be aware of the CHOICES you are moving towards. Be alert to what you are doing, why you are doing “it” and cognizant of the choices you choose to make. Is it being predicated on outmoded ideas or a belief system that was given to you and imbedded inside of you? Or is it truly a present moment choice to feel and respond accordingly to what is alive and active in your present life.

I am curious ~ Do any of you have these types of feeling responses to things like this? Are you aware and/or in connection to your responses? 

Sometimes our responses are so subtle. We just manage and adjust and resist and react and respond and ultimately accept what is. And we do a lot of this simultaneously without a lot of thought to what we are choosing.

I will continue allowing for all my feelings to rise around my friends decision ~ and right now I am choosing to accept her choice and move on.  With google I am choosing to take my time in adapting to this new format while allowing myself to breath into the awareness of discomfort while adjusting. About the political themes, I choose to not discuss that on this forum.